Archive for November 2011

Texas A&M Train Wreck   Leave a comment

TUSCALOOSA, AL – Late last night a devastating train derailment took place just outside of Tuscaloosa.  Many area residents awoke in a panic upon hearing the crash and ensuing explosion but calmed down once they saw the Texas A&M logo on the side of one of the train cars.

“At first when I saw the wrecked train I thought maybe it was one of those trains that comes through here with produce from Florida; or worse, livestock from the county fair last weekend.”  Said Ashley Turner, a resident who was one of the first on the scene after the crash. “Once I saw that the train was just full of athletes from Texas A&M, and that it wasn’t that big a deal, I was able to relax more.  What were they doing in the southeast anyway? They surely don’t belong here.”

The student athletes were on a trip organized by the president of the University, R. Bowen Loftin, visiting major cities in the American southeast such as Gainesville, Baton Rouge, and Tuscaloosa.  Nobody reportedly knew about this trip except for those from Texas A&M, as they kind of surprised everyone with it.

“I was shocked to see the Texas A&M train when it passed through here last week.” Said Michael Robbins, a city official in Baton Rouge, “I won’t lie, I kind of saw this train wreck coming, those Texas A&M trains aren’t meant to handle the higher quality tracks here in the southeast.  It was inevitable.”

The death toll at this time is approximately 150 student athletes, including the entire football team, with around 30 more injured.  The injured have been transported to a hospital close by in Tuscaloosa, and hope to recover soon.

Here’s what R. Bowen Loftin had to say on the matter

“It is a very sad sad thing what happened today, and I can’t help but thinking it’s all my fault.  I thought our athletes would be ok on this trip, but it turns out I was horribly mistaken.  We thought it would be fun to bring our athletes around the southeastern United States for a while because they were getting pretty bored in Texas, I just didn’t know that our train wouldn’t be strong enough to hold up in Tuscaloosa.  Now that we’ve crashed, and we may be stuck here for a while, I’m worried a train from a different school like Auburn or Florida will run us over.”

When asked to give a parting statement to the media about this disaster, Loftin only had one thing to say.

“I brought our athletes to this part of the country because I thought they would enjoy it, and it seemed like they needed a change of pace, but it turned out to just be a big train wreck and now our program is in shambles.

Anthony Rizzolo

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Posted November 28, 2011 by rizzwapow in Uncategorized

America adopts new national religion of Leftism -Satire: Bryn Stotmeister   Leave a comment

November 18, 2011 | ISSUE 46•27

WASHINGTON—  The White House released yesterday plans pronouncing America’s adoption of Leftism, the new national religion. The foremost evolutionary experts and authoritative leaders of our now singular Democratic party formulated the radical proposal taking effect immediately.

The plan details changes in our government’s agendas and powers, religious practices, social issues, the education system, individual beliefs and much more. The innumerable changes are far-reaching and deeply brainwashing.

The reason for the change, as articulated by the highest-ranking government officials, was the world’s maximum capacity of suffering being finally reached and surpassed, exceeding the believable amount of suffering a “God” would inflict on his people, thus initiating widespread loss of faith. Also, of course, it is to follow through on the long awaited promise of “change” Obama so guaranteed in his presidential campaign.

“Leftism is really a secular religion without a church at all, so the Founding Father’s ultimate wishes of separation of church and state are actually only just now being realized,” said President Obama, a pioneer leading the changes. “No churches interfering with state issues is infinitely better and more equal than the crazed atmosphere we tolerated in the past, where competing religions stuck their heads into every crevice and crack of our transparent enough system and inhibited everything government tried to accomplish and provide for its people.”

These progressive changes are most apparent and seen most immediately in policies that used to be highly controversial to Christian ideals. Without the interfering Christian religion in America, or any other religion to that effect, these issues are no longer subjects of controversy, argument or prolonged stalemate.

Now that biblical concerns over abortion and gay-marriage are gone, the infringement on rights for these procedures and events are also gone. Abortion and marriage are now free to all without any religious lack of tolerance holding us to primitive and outdated views of right and wrong.

Leftism alone now dictates what is right and wrong for America and graces us with a logic compass. The new bible of our Leftist religion, providing the only genuine written word of absolute truth, wisdom and enlightenment, is naturally The New York Times.

Through its doctrines we learn the path of good reporting and well-written arguments, and through its examples we learn how and how not to live devoutly informed lives.

Uncontrolled government spending, universal national health care, required financing of all poor and the eventual withdrawal of our free-market economy are now collectively considered right and rational.

Wrongs now include wishing anyone a rash “Merry Christmas” or responding with an ignorant “Bless you,” as all religious holidays and terms are now banned. National Prayer Day has been converted to National Give Your Money to the Poor Day, and “In God We Trust” now reads “In Us We Trust.”

After a sneeze it is now natural to hear the quick common wish, “Hope you go on to successfully reproduce and pass on your genes to the next generation.”

Other dated instances of religion are being replaced for more secular terms and values like those on our national coins and in our Pledge of Allegiance, which can now be heard in all schools as “…one Nation, under rational thought, clearly visible, with secular liberty and justice for all human beings evolved from one common ancestor.”

These and other more extreme changes to our schools curriculum decrease the oppression and hypocritical moralistic teachings imposed by religion, producing more and more depraved rational thinkers of tomorrow.

They show signs of great advancement in their sloughing off of unnecessary and burdening virtues of love, respect, responsibility and honesty and are quickly replacing them with the rational and politically correct tenants of Leftism, those of radical environmentalism, support of the impoverished, and complete pervasive tolerance.

Louder and louder are the children’s hollow but fact-based intellectual cries of “We believe in Darwin!”

The original hypothesizer, Charles Darwin, has led us to our now abundant sources of knowledge and eternally remains the single most revered being in Leftism.

These children will decidedly, upon new law, enroll and attend the nationally refurbished religious institutions of liberalism, our country’s backbone of esteemed and respected higher learning Universities, where they will polish and develop their secular views of humanity towards leading our country to further logical advancement.

While further in its future America might encounter problems continuing its population by reproduction, a logical result of the total availability of every method of birth control from daily plan-B’s to free abortions, by that time surely our wisdom and knowledge will have surpassed the creation of sustainable cloning and artificial generation to continue human life with smart ease.

In this moment however, our now godless nation can eagerly prepare itself for communism’s forthcoming arrival.  •

By Bryn Stotmeister

Posted November 27, 2011 by brynstotmeister in Uncategorized

LOOK WHO WAS HERE   Leave a comment

AND NO ONE TOLD ME. THE TRAGEDY.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-november-14-2011/ugly-people

Posted November 21, 2011 by Jorge Corona in Uncategorized

More Hitler on Fox   Leave a comment

Here’s a sketch that SNL did a few weeks ago that’s kind of like the one from the Daily Show we watched in class.

Fox and Friends

Posted November 21, 2011 by samkite12 in Uncategorized

Satire   Leave a comment

“Although Washington was a revolutionary, he wasn’t a radical.  The idea of open homosexuality within our armed services has long been considered preposterous” (Barber).  Speaking of preposterous… Obama thinks it’s a good idea to ignore what the greatest country on Earth has done for the past couple centuries and change it all up all of a sudden.  Put a bunch of homosexual soldiers in the strongest military in the world, declare June to be Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month, essentially abuse his power as President to use America as “a giant petri dish ripe for radical social experimentation” (Barber). Well, that’s preposterous.

Washington was, is, and always will be the Father of Our Country.  We aren’t going to get a new dad at the turn of the century.  His views and beliefs will always be held in the highest regard by Americans.  He thought it was ridiculous for homosexuals to be in the military.  Have times changed? Is it no longer ridiculous for the “Fabulous Pink Brigade” to infiltrate the enemy’s camp in their “eye-popping pastels?” (Barber).  Of course it’s still ridiculous.  And it will always be ridiculous, no matter what Obama or any other Washington-haters say.  Just like it will always be ridiculous for a woman to be considered equal to her husband, or for a slave to desire freedom, or for there to be a quicker way between America and England other than boats.  The anti-Washington (Obama) calls these things “progress,” but I’m speaking from experience when I say that this is the opposite of progress.  I’ve known gay men, and they do not belong in the military as our last line of defense.  Likewise, I’ve known women, and they are naturally less intelligent and physically able as men.  Frankly, it’s absurd to think that these things should be changed.

Fortunately though, we have the great checks and balances system to keep Obama in check.  “The U.S. Supreme Court was not persuaded to hear an appeal from a lower-court ruling which determined that [Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell] is ‘rationally related to the government’s legitimate interest in military discipline and cohesion’” (Barber).  The U.S. Supreme Court does not make mistakes because it does not make hasty decisions; composed of nine very intelligent people, it always weighs all the options and presents its decision, which is always the best solution.  For example, in Dred Scott v. Sandford, the Court “declared that all blacks — slaves as well as free — were not and could never become citizens of the United States” (PBS).  Dred Scott had tried to cheat his way to freedom by claiming that because his owner had taken him into a free state, he should be free.  Again, the Court was not persuaded.  No matter what the majority of Americans thought.  As long as the Supreme Court remains firm and just in this manner, people like Dred Scott and all gay soldiers will never get a chance to ruin America.

Obama smugly declared when he signed the repeal of DADT, “No longer will tens of thousands of Americans in uniform be asked to live a lie, or look over their shoulder in order to serve the country that they love” (MSNBC).  Instead, hundreds of thousands of Americans in uniform will be forced to look over their shoulder in order to serve the country that they love, for fear of being sodomized by their gay comrades.

 

Taking advantage of Barber’s passionate beliefs, I attempted to point out the fallacies in his arguments.  For example, I believe he makes the false authority mistake in saying that Americans should follow George Washington’s views from almost 250 years ago.  Ideas evolve over time.  Similarly, his reference to the Supreme Court can be viewed as false authority.  It may also be noted that the Supreme Court is not always right, just like in the Dred Scott trial.  Moreover, concerning President Obama, Barber frequently uses harsh words to describe him and his ideas, calling him the “un-Washington” for example.  Accordingly, Barber can be declared guilty of using ad hominem because in addition to this explicit language, he hardly makes reference to any of Obama’s actual reasoning on the issue.

Posted November 21, 2011 by samkite12 in Uncategorized

United Socialist Republic of America Falls into “Class War”   Leave a comment

OBAMAGRAD (FORMERLY WASHINGTON D.C.) – Following last month’s enactment of a law that would require Americans making more than $250,000 to pay a marginally increased rate on their income taxes, the United States of America has since adopted its new title of “The United Socialist Republic of America” as a response to its descent into socialist tendencies and “spreading of the wealth.” Already small groups have been fragmenting the country and causing a “class civil war” with allegiances divided down class lines.
Supreme Leader Obama made the change official in a press conference late this evening. “Good evening comrades.” Obama began, “As you have no doubt already realized, my plan since my birth to Muslim parents in Kenya has been to turn this nation into a oppressive communist state by placing marginally higher tax rates upon the top percentage of wealth holders in this country. Today, I believe we have reached that goal.”
Republican leaders in Congress almost immediately resigned from their posts in response to the passage of the law by Supreme Overlord Obama. Resistance movements have popped up across the country and have already taken action through defiant actions such as burning $100 dollar bills and staging all you can eat “caviarfests” to raise awareness of the burden richer Americans have to carry.
“This is an outrage! The founding fathers would have disapproved of this completely. It’s bad enough that the ‘poors’ can vote, now we have to make sure they don’t starve to death too?” said a teary-eyed former Speaker of the House, and current Resistance leader John Boehner (R-OH) “It’s not like Jesus ever was in favor of helping the poor or anything.” Boehner added.
Resistance activities have seem to come to a standstill though as most demonstrators are quickly arrested by the Secret Police and brought to torture rooms inside the Capitol building—which has since been redesigned to resemble to the Kremlin. Similarly, All out war has broken out in the streets of Obamagrad, and New Moscow (formerly New York City).
The jobs market too has been negatively impacted as a result of Supreme Leader Obama’s plan. Although when similar tax increases were emplaced in past decades there was a minimal effect on unemployment, unemployment has risen almost 10% since the law’s passage and continues to rise daily. Some business executives have claimed the Obama tax law has personally hindered their ways of life.
“It’s just not fair.” Billionaire David Koch says, “I had to sell my private jet, and one of my six summer homes in order to get by. Things are rough. I guess I’m just going to have to shut down my multi-billion dollar company and fire everyone. Oh well.” Koch continued as he sprinkled grounded up $100 dollar bills onto his Lobster over dinner.
Poor families by contrast, have been positively affected by the new bill; while the bill allocated no additional funds to be given to lower-income families, the lack of a personal income tax upon these families has led to higher standards of living.
“Although, I had lost my job and was already struggling to pay my bills, this new law has allowed me to make some more ‘luxurious’ purchases,” single mother Linda White, 33, said, “I found this nice private jet on eBay last night, and thanks to the new tax reform, it’s just within my price range!” White finished.
With conflict taking place in large cities and what appears to be no end in sight, it looks like it may be up to the American people to decide how to approach this difficult issue.
“I just hope the American people can find it in their hearts to see who is really being hurt as a result of Obama’s tax policy.” Boehner said before emptying a clip from a machine gun into a line of bystanders waiting for food stamps. “I know that I can.” –

In crafting this satire I lampooned several of the techniques indicative of Conservative viewpoints on the issue. One frequently used tactic is this rhetoric of “victimization” that those against a marginal tax rate utilize—I enacted that here through David Koch’s response as well as Boehner’s quotes to a lesser degree. I also touched upon the claim that this is penalizing “job creators” by citing the lack of effect such changes had in previous decades as well as by pointing out the absurdity of business owners threatening to shut down their companies through Koch’s comments. Finally, I just took typical conservative views and stretched them to an extreme or highlighted their inconsistencies. For example, I played off the fears of “socialism” Republicans constantly point to, as well as a citation of “What Jesus/the Founding fathers would do” in the case of Boehner. In synthesizing this piece I took influence from The Onion especially—I almost completely followed the typical format of an Onion background article; and closely modeled how they incorporate quotes as well as journalistic descriptions in order to make this an effective satirical news article.

Posted November 21, 2011 by tylerdaelemans in Uncategorized

Abortion Satire   Leave a comment

Abortion acts as gateway to murdering other family members

By Myles Beltran

Two months ago Congress passed a bill increasing government spending on abortion clinics by more than five hundred percent. Government officials say now that our world population has exceeded seven billion, our focus must be to limit population growth due to the lack of resources and unemployment that are currently being experienced all over the world.

“We plan to be a leading force in population control. The more babies prevented from being born, the better,” says President Obama. “We’re not saying you can’t get pregnant, but what we are saying is that we urge you to kill the baby before it’s born. Do you really want our world to be even more crowed?” This bill was welcomed by both parties and women rejoiced in the ease of having abortion now.

But it looks like population control has gone to a whole new level with an unexpected twist. In application of the law, women are finding the new ease of killing their unborn baby “empowering” and moving on to the only and obvious next stop of killing their other family members.  One convicted murderer admitted, “My unborn baby was annoying me with all that kicking and moving around in my belly so I killed it. My husband was annoying me with all of his yelling and nagging so I killed him too. Once you get past the first murder, they’re all easy.” One woman even described the experience of terminating her family members as “refreshing” and “liberating.” Another woman, Leslie Patten, reports “It was so simple getting rid of my unborn baby that I didn’t want. I thought, ‘I don’t really want my other children either’ so I got rid of them also.”

The government has yet to comment on this issue, but the pilling up of bodies won’t go unnoticed for much longer. Prisons are filling up quickly with women from all races and backgrounds because of murders or attempted homicides mostly of their own husbands and children. Psychologists claim that this phenomenon and compulsion is similar to that of addictive drugs. “The abortion acts as woman’s gateway drug. They become addicted to and go on to do even more damage to their family members,” reports Sandra Valley, a leading psychologist on her field.

It starts off with a woman deciding to end her pregnancy with an abortion (as urged by the government) and ends with the woman’s realization of how simple it is to rid her life of other people she doesn’t desire at the moment. “If a screaming child becomes a burden, kill him. If a shrewish mother-in-law pulling your last nerve, murder her. This is the logic that the women attain after the termination of their fetus,” says Valley.

This strange circumstance is something no one could have predicted, but everyone is hoping the government will step in to help end this madness soon enough. “We will extinct ourselves if this doesn’t end soon,” warns Barry Silt, a biologist at the University of Texas at Austin. A large number of people are writing to the government to stop this slippery slope to mass destruction of our society and race as a whole. The rising abortion trend has escalated to a murder trend that is effecting all of the United States, and reports of influence have even reached across seas to Europe and Asia.

“The world is going straight to hell,” Pastor David Eldhard forewarns.

 

Posted November 21, 2011 by mylesbeltran in Uncategorized