United Socialist Republic of America Falls into “Class War”   Leave a comment

OBAMAGRAD (FORMERLY WASHINGTON D.C.) – Following last month’s enactment of a law that would require Americans making more than $250,000 to pay a marginally increased rate on their income taxes, the United States of America has since adopted its new title of “The United Socialist Republic of America” as a response to its descent into socialist tendencies and “spreading of the wealth.” Already small groups have been fragmenting the country and causing a “class civil war” with allegiances divided down class lines.
Supreme Leader Obama made the change official in a press conference late this evening. “Good evening comrades.” Obama began, “As you have no doubt already realized, my plan since my birth to Muslim parents in Kenya has been to turn this nation into a oppressive communist state by placing marginally higher tax rates upon the top percentage of wealth holders in this country. Today, I believe we have reached that goal.”
Republican leaders in Congress almost immediately resigned from their posts in response to the passage of the law by Supreme Overlord Obama. Resistance movements have popped up across the country and have already taken action through defiant actions such as burning $100 dollar bills and staging all you can eat “caviarfests” to raise awareness of the burden richer Americans have to carry.
“This is an outrage! The founding fathers would have disapproved of this completely. It’s bad enough that the ‘poors’ can vote, now we have to make sure they don’t starve to death too?” said a teary-eyed former Speaker of the House, and current Resistance leader John Boehner (R-OH) “It’s not like Jesus ever was in favor of helping the poor or anything.” Boehner added.
Resistance activities have seem to come to a standstill though as most demonstrators are quickly arrested by the Secret Police and brought to torture rooms inside the Capitol building—which has since been redesigned to resemble to the Kremlin. Similarly, All out war has broken out in the streets of Obamagrad, and New Moscow (formerly New York City).
The jobs market too has been negatively impacted as a result of Supreme Leader Obama’s plan. Although when similar tax increases were emplaced in past decades there was a minimal effect on unemployment, unemployment has risen almost 10% since the law’s passage and continues to rise daily. Some business executives have claimed the Obama tax law has personally hindered their ways of life.
“It’s just not fair.” Billionaire David Koch says, “I had to sell my private jet, and one of my six summer homes in order to get by. Things are rough. I guess I’m just going to have to shut down my multi-billion dollar company and fire everyone. Oh well.” Koch continued as he sprinkled grounded up $100 dollar bills onto his Lobster over dinner.
Poor families by contrast, have been positively affected by the new bill; while the bill allocated no additional funds to be given to lower-income families, the lack of a personal income tax upon these families has led to higher standards of living.
“Although, I had lost my job and was already struggling to pay my bills, this new law has allowed me to make some more ‘luxurious’ purchases,” single mother Linda White, 33, said, “I found this nice private jet on eBay last night, and thanks to the new tax reform, it’s just within my price range!” White finished.
With conflict taking place in large cities and what appears to be no end in sight, it looks like it may be up to the American people to decide how to approach this difficult issue.
“I just hope the American people can find it in their hearts to see who is really being hurt as a result of Obama’s tax policy.” Boehner said before emptying a clip from a machine gun into a line of bystanders waiting for food stamps. “I know that I can.” –

In crafting this satire I lampooned several of the techniques indicative of Conservative viewpoints on the issue. One frequently used tactic is this rhetoric of “victimization” that those against a marginal tax rate utilize—I enacted that here through David Koch’s response as well as Boehner’s quotes to a lesser degree. I also touched upon the claim that this is penalizing “job creators” by citing the lack of effect such changes had in previous decades as well as by pointing out the absurdity of business owners threatening to shut down their companies through Koch’s comments. Finally, I just took typical conservative views and stretched them to an extreme or highlighted their inconsistencies. For example, I played off the fears of “socialism” Republicans constantly point to, as well as a citation of “What Jesus/the Founding fathers would do” in the case of Boehner. In synthesizing this piece I took influence from The Onion especially—I almost completely followed the typical format of an Onion background article; and closely modeled how they incorporate quotes as well as journalistic descriptions in order to make this an effective satirical news article.

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Posted November 21, 2011 by tylerdaelemans in Uncategorized

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