America adopts new national religion of Leftism -Satire: Bryn Stotmeister   Leave a comment

November 18, 2011 | ISSUE 46•27

WASHINGTON—  The White House released yesterday plans pronouncing America’s adoption of Leftism, the new national religion. The foremost evolutionary experts and authoritative leaders of our now singular Democratic party formulated the radical proposal taking effect immediately.

The plan details changes in our government’s agendas and powers, religious practices, social issues, the education system, individual beliefs and much more. The innumerable changes are far-reaching and deeply brainwashing.

The reason for the change, as articulated by the highest-ranking government officials, was the world’s maximum capacity of suffering being finally reached and surpassed, exceeding the believable amount of suffering a “God” would inflict on his people, thus initiating widespread loss of faith. Also, of course, it is to follow through on the long awaited promise of “change” Obama so guaranteed in his presidential campaign.

“Leftism is really a secular religion without a church at all, so the Founding Father’s ultimate wishes of separation of church and state are actually only just now being realized,” said President Obama, a pioneer leading the changes. “No churches interfering with state issues is infinitely better and more equal than the crazed atmosphere we tolerated in the past, where competing religions stuck their heads into every crevice and crack of our transparent enough system and inhibited everything government tried to accomplish and provide for its people.”

These progressive changes are most apparent and seen most immediately in policies that used to be highly controversial to Christian ideals. Without the interfering Christian religion in America, or any other religion to that effect, these issues are no longer subjects of controversy, argument or prolonged stalemate.

Now that biblical concerns over abortion and gay-marriage are gone, the infringement on rights for these procedures and events are also gone. Abortion and marriage are now free to all without any religious lack of tolerance holding us to primitive and outdated views of right and wrong.

Leftism alone now dictates what is right and wrong for America and graces us with a logic compass. The new bible of our Leftist religion, providing the only genuine written word of absolute truth, wisdom and enlightenment, is naturally The New York Times.

Through its doctrines we learn the path of good reporting and well-written arguments, and through its examples we learn how and how not to live devoutly informed lives.

Uncontrolled government spending, universal national health care, required financing of all poor and the eventual withdrawal of our free-market economy are now collectively considered right and rational.

Wrongs now include wishing anyone a rash “Merry Christmas” or responding with an ignorant “Bless you,” as all religious holidays and terms are now banned. National Prayer Day has been converted to National Give Your Money to the Poor Day, and “In God We Trust” now reads “In Us We Trust.”

After a sneeze it is now natural to hear the quick common wish, “Hope you go on to successfully reproduce and pass on your genes to the next generation.”

Other dated instances of religion are being replaced for more secular terms and values like those on our national coins and in our Pledge of Allegiance, which can now be heard in all schools as “…one Nation, under rational thought, clearly visible, with secular liberty and justice for all human beings evolved from one common ancestor.”

These and other more extreme changes to our schools curriculum decrease the oppression and hypocritical moralistic teachings imposed by religion, producing more and more depraved rational thinkers of tomorrow.

They show signs of great advancement in their sloughing off of unnecessary and burdening virtues of love, respect, responsibility and honesty and are quickly replacing them with the rational and politically correct tenants of Leftism, those of radical environmentalism, support of the impoverished, and complete pervasive tolerance.

Louder and louder are the children’s hollow but fact-based intellectual cries of “We believe in Darwin!”

The original hypothesizer, Charles Darwin, has led us to our now abundant sources of knowledge and eternally remains the single most revered being in Leftism.

These children will decidedly, upon new law, enroll and attend the nationally refurbished religious institutions of liberalism, our country’s backbone of esteemed and respected higher learning Universities, where they will polish and develop their secular views of humanity towards leading our country to further logical advancement.

While further in its future America might encounter problems continuing its population by reproduction, a logical result of the total availability of every method of birth control from daily plan-B’s to free abortions, by that time surely our wisdom and knowledge will have surpassed the creation of sustainable cloning and artificial generation to continue human life with smart ease.

In this moment however, our now godless nation can eagerly prepare itself for communism’s forthcoming arrival.  •

By Bryn Stotmeister


Posted November 27, 2011 by brynstotmeister in Uncategorized

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