Texas A&M Train Wreck   Leave a comment

TUSCALOOSA, AL – Late last night a devastating train derailment took place just outside of Tuscaloosa.  Many area residents awoke in a panic upon hearing the crash and ensuing explosion but calmed down once they saw the Texas A&M logo on the side of one of the train cars.

“At first when I saw the wrecked train I thought maybe it was one of those trains that comes through here with produce from Florida; or worse, livestock from the county fair last weekend.”  Said Ashley Turner, a resident who was one of the first on the scene after the crash. “Once I saw that the train was just full of athletes from Texas A&M, and that it wasn’t that big a deal, I was able to relax more.  What were they doing in the southeast anyway? They surely don’t belong here.”

The student athletes were on a trip organized by the president of the University, R. Bowen Loftin, visiting major cities in the American southeast such as Gainesville, Baton Rouge, and Tuscaloosa.  Nobody reportedly knew about this trip except for those from Texas A&M, as they kind of surprised everyone with it.

“I was shocked to see the Texas A&M train when it passed through here last week.” Said Michael Robbins, a city official in Baton Rouge, “I won’t lie, I kind of saw this train wreck coming, those Texas A&M trains aren’t meant to handle the higher quality tracks here in the southeast.  It was inevitable.”

The death toll at this time is approximately 150 student athletes, including the entire football team, with around 30 more injured.  The injured have been transported to a hospital close by in Tuscaloosa, and hope to recover soon.

Here’s what R. Bowen Loftin had to say on the matter

“It is a very sad sad thing what happened today, and I can’t help but thinking it’s all my fault.  I thought our athletes would be ok on this trip, but it turns out I was horribly mistaken.  We thought it would be fun to bring our athletes around the southeastern United States for a while because they were getting pretty bored in Texas, I just didn’t know that our train wouldn’t be strong enough to hold up in Tuscaloosa.  Now that we’ve crashed, and we may be stuck here for a while, I’m worried a train from a different school like Auburn or Florida will run us over.”

When asked to give a parting statement to the media about this disaster, Loftin only had one thing to say.

“I brought our athletes to this part of the country because I thought they would enjoy it, and it seemed like they needed a change of pace, but it turned out to just be a big train wreck and now our program is in shambles.

Anthony Rizzolo


Posted November 28, 2011 by rizzwapow in Uncategorized

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