McDonald’s as a Human– by Blake Matthys   Leave a comment

With the elections of 2012 approaching even closer super PACs have increased their roles in the election process by campaigning for candidates with commercials and other progandist methods.  Yet, what runs a super PAC?  I mean besides the people running PACs, who is actually running the PAC show?  The answer is corporations.  We all know corporations make all the dough in this country, just ask liberals.  All corporations want to do is use the money they make towards democracy and freedom.  That’s why corporations made PACs and petitioned the Supreme Court so they could participate in democracy.  And the Supreme Court answered with freedom by allowing corporations to form PACs and give limitless amounts of money to political candidates. Allyn K. Milojevich agrees with the court saying that PACs are just “groups excising their First Amendment right for free speech” (Milojevich).  Opponents of corporations claim that if corporations can have free speech they can also have a fair and speedy trial.  Unfortunately some people are arguing that having the right to free speech is not an exclusive right.  These same people argue that if a corporation were to be held to human standards, it would be tried for crimes against customers like murder or manslaughter.

This is ridiculous, the only rights corporations have are the rights to free speech, making money, and loving America.  But we need to analyze this claim of PAC opponents.  So I have decided to transform McDonalds into a human being up for trial.  I mean McDonalds is the golden arch, I mean golden boy of all corporations.  There is no way McDonalds would ever be convicted of any wrongdoing against humanity.  Most people want to charge McDonalds with manslaughter.  This is acceptable because eating a Big Mac might as well be manslaughter for most of the country.  The settings for these charges are the cities of Houston and Austin Texas.  McDonalds’ manslaughter trademark is a death caused by cardiac arrest. The Sudden Cardiac Arrest foundation reports that during the year of 2009 there were respectively 180 and 59 reported cardiac arrests in these two cities.  Now to be fair, I am going to say that McDonalds only caused 25 percent of these deaths.  I mean McDonalds is competing with Whataburger, Carl Jr’s, Wendy’s, Taco Bell and local restaurants to kill these people.  Also, McDonalds is not competing with Burger King; because no one eats Burger King.  Yet back to the trial, in 2009 McDonalds killed 45 people in Houston and 15 people in Austin.  McDonalds is charged with 60 counts of manslaughter in central Texas.  This translates to prison sentences between 2 to 20 years per manslaughter charge.  Also, McDonalds could be fined for up to 10,000 dollars for each manslaughter account.  So leads the verdict of half of the maximum sentence, or to be more specific, 9 years of prison time and $ 5,000 for each count of manslaughter.  So for the year of 2009 in the cities of Austin and Houston Texas McDonalds would be serving 540 years (if the sentences are concurring) in prison and would have to pay 300,000 dollars.  These totals are only for two cities in Texas when McDonalds website boasts the fact that it can serve 47 million people a day.  But to only have a kill rate that is less than one percent McDonalds is doing a great job.  Also, with the profits that McDonalds can garner from serving 47 million people in a day, it can afford to foot the bill and the prison time.  So there should not be any worries that McDonalds would be able to weather these prison charges.  But is being human worth it when McDonalds could escape all these charges by just being a corporation without rights?

I decided to approach my satire with a Stephen Colbert train of thought.  In other words, I wanted to parody conservative thinking but expand this type of thinking into a sense of lunacy that even conservatives would have trouble agreeing with.  Thus my approach about McDonalds having a right to free speech but free speech exclusively; I find it hard for people to argue that a person does not one right exclusively in this country.  But overall I wanted to critique the belief that corporations are given rights just as people are.  If corporations can participate so thoroughly in democracy as people, they must be held to all other conditions of being people.  I have not found a lot of people taking this issue as thoroughly as I did, most people are arguing campaign finance when it comes to PACs.  But I find it hard to accept Walmart as a person because of the absolute disrespect it gives to the elderly.  Instead of PACs being just about campaign finance we need to analyze the fact that corporations are beginning to be accepted as people and the future that this holds for our country.

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Posted December 2, 2011 by blakematthys in Uncategorized

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